I wonder, will I ever know the reason behind everything?
Recently, I’ve been going through a lot of struggles and problems that are causing me so much trouble, especially inside my head. Things were getting oh so smoothly already when another tragic event struck me right into the center of my fucked up life. Now I’m confused and dumbfounded. I was caught off guard. I’m left with nothing but my sane to figure things out. But right now, I am lost. Again. And it sucks. Finding my way only to know that I’d lose it again.
But maybe these things happen for their respective reasons. But still I wonder, will I ever know them? Or will I have to spend my whole life trying to? I don’t know. But I do wanna know.
And now I’m off to another track. Maybe this is my path. Maybe.
Awesome at the same time.
But really, crazy.
I can’t remember how my 2013 started but I’m sure it started out well, way better than how I would start my 2014, well I’d like to think so. It has been the toughest year for me. Full of ups and downs, but mostly downs. But when I was up, I was really up. And when I was down, I was really down. So yeah, fall was a lot harder than usual, and occurred more than in any other years.
Before I said hello to summer, I had to finish the last term of my second year at college first. I remember me acing all the subjects that I took. I felt more accomplished than ever and saw a promising future if I would just keep going. I met new people. New as in new because they’re different from the usual people that I came upon with. I wrote more during those times and expressed myself more using art. I liked how things were going back then – all calm and free. No pressure. No stress. No worries because I thought I had everything under control. I forgot that I was made to worry about my tomorrows; a good thing tho.
Of course the sun, water and everything that is given during typical summer days. I planned to start something big last summer, like maybe write a novel or something, but I was occupied with things that were not that important compared to writing something that would last. I think I stayed home most of the time and tweeted more; tweeted good morning to good night and talked to a lot of strangers and somewhat-friends right there. I basically was closer to the Internet than ever and I was completely fine with that. I made my own little world on the Internet because I was too tired to even go out. But I remember me standing at the back of our house for hours and waited for the sun to go down. Then, I realized how beautiful everything was, that everything was moving freely and that there’s so much more to life than staying inside the house and hurting your eyes by looking at the screen for half a day. I think I gained weight, too. I had some problems to deal with too but I got them all figured out right before the summer ended. I was so hyped on getting back to school since I would start living on a dormitory and settle there for a while just as the term starts. I predicted that the first term of my Third Year would be the best so far. I guess I was right. Or maybe not.
I was looking forward to lots of things before the term started. Like the awarding ceremony for the President’s Listers, release date of the book where I have an article featured, organization stuff, dorm life, and more. Excited was never enough to describe how I felt. First few days were fine. Then I finally got to transfer to my dorm room with five roommates. Going to school got a lot easier but there were more responsibilities to handle. I had to budget my allowance for school and foods and make sure there’s more left for other stuff. I became more of a person that I imagined myself to be when I was handling a lot of responsibilities – I liked it that way. I had the time of my life in every aspect. This could be the best term ever, I said to myself. I took six courses – two subjects that dealt with Accounting, one with Math, another with Law, a course that thought me a little bit of Spanish, and one for Economics. I had no problem with any one of the said courses. I had high grades and that didn’t surprise anyone, including my parents. Maybe I was made to not fuck up academic stuff. But I’d like to believe that I was made for even more. I had everything that I needed back then – good grades, friends, a loving and supportive family, an adorable dog, responsibilities apart from academic ones, and a life where I can control my time and what to do with it. Everything was great before the accident happened. Then everything got bad. In just a snap I lost almost everything that I worked on and it took me a short while to materialize everything that had happened. I was down to the ground; not knowing what the future holds for me. So I wasn’t able to finish the remainder of the term because I had to receive serious medical attention. Fuck this, I said. Fuck this. But I didn’t get frustrated at first. Somehow a long time ago, I’ve seen this one coming already… and so it did. Now I need to change my plans. Best term ever. Screw you. But really, despite the accident, I still think that it could be the best term ever.
Painful days. Sleepless nights. I just wanted to get back to my normal life. I stayed in the hospital bed for a month and a half. Everything’s so painful that I wouldn’t even want to go back to the details. To how everything was so rough the first few weeks. That I can’t even force a smile because all I was doing was shouting all day to release the pain that I felt inside. That I can’t even sit to eat and digest properly. That my family had to work harder and sacrifice more just to fulfill my needs and be there when I needed them. That I can’t even write or sketch properly because doing them would mean not being ready for the pain that was waiting to hit me. That I needed to focus on tolerating pain, than preventing it. That I had to depend on meds tho they never worked most of the time. That I had to deal with the same people every day just to survive and avoid being killed by boredom. Everything was harder in the hospital, even peeing. After some while, I got used to living the stay-in-bed-for-a-while life and started sitting on my bed, but even that took a lot of effort to do. I had to pull 9 kilos of bag just to be able to sit and sketch and write. I found a new life in sketching and I was known for it on the hospital. I got to write more (as in more) and read occasionally. For a while, I decided to forget the subjects that I left but then the idea came up that I would like to finish everything so that I could get back on the second semester. Well, that was the idea. I met a lot of interesting people in the stay. From convicts to architects to nurses and to a homeless man. I learned how to properly deal with different kinds of people and be completely fine with fooling around everyone. I learned how to appreciate the simple things that made me happy and satisfied for some time. I learned to value my friends who were always there when I needed them. I settled my mind to thinking that there’s a reason behind everything, and that calmed me down for a while. There were times when I was really stressed – physically, emotionally and mentally. Sometimes I would find myself breaking down from all the thoughts that covered my head. And I would realized how fucked up my life was after the accident. And then there would be days when I would be completely fine with everything. But those days we’re not as frequent as the bad ones. It got harder as days passed by; especially when I realized how much I missed and how I lost everything. I was down then, really down. Good thing I had my family to keep me strong, and friends to hold on and keep my faith up.
It was a real test of patient back then. My operation date got moved not just once, but twice. And each time, it drove me nuts that I had to hit my head in a bag full of rocks for an hour. I was mad. I don’t know if I am still.
I had my surgery last 28th of August. A part of me wanted to say goodbye to everyone that I know because it was telling me that the operation would not be a success and I would die. But I was able to survive and surgery and stayed for about ten days in the hospital for recovery and therapy purposes. I thought the pain would end after the surgery; I wasn’t informed that it’s just starting. Every day was about dealing with different levels of pain. I think I had more than half a hundred injections during my stay. And I think I lost a bucket full of blood during and after the operation. I think something inside me died during the operation. And I think I started to love the words “I” and “think” after the operation. All I wanted was to go home and recover from thereon. And I was impatient.
Therapy days were the most painful days.
And I thought going home would be easy. I was wrong. It was still painful. Going in the car was hard. Getting out of the car was harder. Seeing that everyone was having a hard time taking care of me was the hardest.
My exams were scheduled already and I was all determined to finish them before the second semester starts. But life said “going anywhere kid? Not that easy for you.” And so for some reasons, some of my exams were cancelled and grades were deemed invalid, and so I ended up with a grade of I-N-C. And so I said goodbye to the President’s List and the dream of graduating with honors. I thought, there’s more to life than having high grades. And it was not my fault that my bones suck big time.
Days at home.
I had a great first week. Oh god how I missed everything inside our house. But after an oh-so fine first week, everything got rough. I had to deal with different problems every day.
I got stressed.
I got depressed.
I started to see negative on all things.
I started to hate how everything went wrong in my life.
I sketched more.
I wrote more.
I became more silent.
Some days I was thinking too much.
Some days I was not thinking at all.
And that’s how I dealt with everything, I guess. I watched a lot of movies and read a bunch of books to keep me from being idle. Uh, well basically to help me survive. I occasionally went back to the hospital for check-ups. Well yeah, to. prevent. any. complications. We’ll see.
Operation was successful; but that’s it. A major complication happened, and now I’m fucked up again. Details soon.
I am writing on New Year’s Eve. I’ve learned so many things this year. I’ve learned that life would fuck you here and there but you need to learn how to unfuck your life by doing the things that make you as a person – things that make you happy and somewhat complete. You just can’t stop dealing with everything and everyone just because life gave you something to cry about. You have to move on. When life buried you on the ground, be sure to get up and be better than ever. Right now, I’m still trying to figure out what to do with my life for the next few months while I’m still away from school. I need to be patient with everything, because not doing it would mean frustration to the highest degree. I learned to love my family more. Each member.
To my mother who loves me more than anything else; who did everything to keep me happy and smiling; who forced herself to be strong for me, when she was about to cry and fall down.
To my father who stayed with me at the hospital and kept me strong and entertained when I was about to give up and not try again.
To my older brother who dedicated the last few months taking care of me and understanding me. He was the one who saw me broke down and he remained silent.
To my sister who has been my major source of strength – her simple ways of making me smile were the biggest for me.
I love them all so much and I couldn’t wish for a better family. I know things were rough for us this year but I know 2014 would be a lot better. I would like to hold everyone close while I am trying to figure out how to live life again.
Smile often, dudes! Keep the faith! Always hope for a better tomorrow. Things might be rough now, but they would get better eventually. Learn to value things and people that you have. Keep them close. Keep them closer than ever. Be open for changes! Don’t be afraid to try new things. Go out of the box! Love yourself! Love life and all its sublevels! Be smart and careful with your decisions. And most of all, pray.
Have an awesome New Year’s Eve!
Have an awesomer 2014!
Originally posted on my wordpress: http://theboguspundit.wordpress.com/2013/12/31/365365/
My present is nowhere close from my past, and my future is uncertain but I can see a little ray of light shining from the darkness that’s covering my life right now.
Past. I used to sit there at the top; had everything that I wanted and needed.
Then a major twist in the story. One snap and they’re all gone.
Present. Getting by. Just trying to cope up with everything. Starting to build myself again by doing the things that might help me find my way back on track. Waking up not knowing what future would be like, and I always end up stressing myself by looking at how great my past was and how clueless I am for what would happen tomorrow.
Then I realized. That maybe it’s all in me. It’s about how I looked at things and how I concluded that nothing’s going right in my life right now. Maybe it’s time to just let my past be past and move on and face today and use everything that I have left to be happy. Maybe it’s time to not stress about the future and just let things be; for as long as I’m doing the right things in life, I think nothing would go wrong. Maybe it’s time to look at the positive side of things and know that there are reasons why things are happening in my life. It’s time to treasure people that stayed with me and make them realize that I am thankful for everything.
Future. See you soon.
Life has been knocking me down for as long as I can remember. I feel like I need to restart with life. Little by little, I’m starting to lose the reasons for my living. I want to meet new people; be exposed to a new environment and experience new things. I want to explore. I want to see other things that this life has to offer. I want to be new. I want to be better. I want new responsibilities that would keep me occupied, because as of the moment, I am doing nothing but breathing. I need to find myself again, I guess - travel in a new road: embark in a new journey. I need adventure. I am not a big fan of my life right now. Not that I’m complaining; but it’s just that I think I can do more. Sometimes it just frustrates me when I’m thinking of things to do for the next days and coming up with nothing. A part of me is still stuck in the past; maybe because everything was better back then. I know thay I have to move on with life but it’s not that easy. Every night my thoughts are hunting me. I feel like my life is such a big mess right now. Maybe the wrong is inside me, I’m still not sure. At some point I would get tired of living in the past and stressing about the future. I just want to live today. But right now, everything’s routinary. And I’m getting tired physically, mentally and emotionally. If there’s such a thing as a miracle, please touch my life as soon as possible. I want to be happy again. I want to be able to enjoy life again. Someday, maybe. Someday.
I hope you’re happy with your choices. I’m sorry but I just can’t stand the treatment that I received from you tonight. I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed. I am feeling like a fool. I believed that I am enough for you. Turned out to be, you’re asking for more, for someone who’s not me. There’s nothing wrong with saying that you want more. Nothing. But remember when you said that I am enough? That you would be glad to spend the next years with me? I bet you do! Then why say things like that? To make me feel bad? To show people that I was never enough? This is not how I imagined things would be. All it took was a minor mistake for you to act like that? I can’t believe you. You’re better than this. Well, I thought. I could only do so much. I could only say so much. But sorry, tonight I reached my point. You don’t want to fix it? Fine. I can’t force you to do things that you don’t really like. What’s the purpose. I just hope you like your choices. That you’re happy putting things this way. For making the situation more complicated for us. For making me feel bad when all I needed is happiness.
the sun is about to rise
here I am in a room as cold as ice
trying to put my mind to rest
knowing that earlier I was a mess
am I ready to make it count
or would I always break down and rant
the simplest things that I can’t do
for I am blocked by a wall or two
yes I am making you happy
smile and laugh, feeling all jolly
but what if one day you’d just be hurt
by a guy with nothing to offer but a cold heart
if I would ask you a question
would you like to stay?
Would you answer yes without hesitation
or would you take your chance to walk away?
thank you for your time and attention
the letters and poems, not to mention
for making me smile when I need to
I appreciate you, I really do
can’t promise anything that would last forever
maybe songs that would make you feel better
letters and sketches to please your eye
put you to sleep and sing a lullaby
22nd of November
It’s the first time since the first week of July that I sat and stayed here on my study table. Man, I missed it so much. I opened the drawer a while ago and found some interesting stuff – notebooks, pins, certificated, books and other things that I used to hold when I was still at school. So many things have changed since then. One day changed the course of my life, 17th of July it is when the accident happened.
I remembered how I was having the time of my life during the first part of the year. I had everything that I wanted. I got good grades, friends and I was in full control of my life back then. I decided to try and live a life apart from my family, with their approval of course, so I tried the dorm life and was easily into it. I was never hesitant to try new things in my life. Maybe because all my life I’ve been looking for major changes that might put some more colors into my already colorful life. I had 5 dorm mates back then; all of them, freshmen and I was on my junior year. And so I was respected probably because I they found out what I had to offer. I had great times with them. We sometimes stayed all night talking about ghosts and ancient facts, that’s why we ended up staying all night watching light films to bring back the good vibes and all.
In school, I had no problem at all dealing with everyone. I topped some of my classes without putting too much effort. I. Am. So. Arrogant. I had good times and talks with my friends. I even got the chance to meet with my long time crush on the first week of last term. We even had lunch and I think that was one of the highlights of my 2013. Uh, no kidding. I wrote so many letters and entries about life and all. I could not wish for more. I also had some responsibilities entrusted to me. I was assigned to lead a group that would make a research; was elected as VP for Non-Academic Affairs in our organization and so much more that I felt invincible. I had everything going on my way. I was on the top of my game. I was on the prime of my life, and then the accident happened.
I slipped. I slipped. I slipped. All it took was a simple hit on the ground to put me down. One minute I was on the top, the next minute I was nothing but a fallen one not able to get up and move. I was shocked, more than anything - how everything and everyone felt so slow while I was falling down. All I knew was I was there on the ground, feeling worse than ever. I can’t move. I can’t fucking move. I didn’t cry, there’s no use in crying in front of a crowd shouting at each other, arguing what to do with this kid flat out on the ground. Everything was down for me then. I shouted, and commanded them to do this and that, for they were not sure of what they were saying, so I took over. I tried my best to transfer my whole body to the wooden platform that they prepared. After about 30 minutes on the ground, I was able to make it. They carried me to the clinic. On my way there, all I saw was the roof of the dormitory and eventually the bright sky above me telling everything’s going to be okay, eventually. I managed to kid around when my friends arrived at the clinic to check on me. At that very moment I was a hundred percent sure that I would never see these great people again for a long time so I decided to just keep the situation positive. I can’t break down. Not here, I said to myself. Then suddenly my sister, father and brother arrived. Oh god how I remembered how my father cried while he was on the line talking to me. Dad talked to the school officials and later on, they came up with the decision to ask me where I would like to be brought. Without even thinking, I said bring me to Philippine Orthopedic Center – where I stayed for one and a half months last 2007. And so I was transferred to a school vehicle but was directed first to a hospital nearby to be checked. As expected, they said they couldn’t handle the case, and so we travelled miles to reach the destination. On our way there, I ate a meal from Jollibee and was still trying to keep things light for my family, for my lovely mother was there, too. I don’t want to see her cry. My mind was all set for what was coming – something terrible, life-changing, painful and hell. I closed my eyes and waited. The vehicle stopped and so I opened them and braced myself.
Just a random thought.
Ever since I’ve been a big fan of arts students, for I love arts since I was a kid, I am still a kid actually. Okay, not. I sketch at times; write and create music most of the time. I am a lover of whatever form of art because I’m just amazed by how our thoughts and ideas can be transformed into something that would make minds wonder and at the same time release the pressure inside our head caused by severe thinking and brain overloading.
So I’ve made this decision that if I would ever like someone, I would probably go for an arts student. I can imagine boring and dull days turning to artistic and colorful ones whenever I am with her. I mean, we can create something together, may it be music or whatever, or just do something for each other. I would be more than willing to sketch her, and I think it would be nice to have someone sketch you too, I think it’s one of the best things that someone can do to you without spending too much. Just the idea of being with someone so interesting and so creative that her mind never stops thinking of things that normal people can’t see and imagine is just beyond awesome.
Again, just a random thought. Nothing more. Nothing less.
My whole day was a blur and I want it to stay that way. It started out with my mind playing tricks on me and reminding me of the things that I should be doing - things that could have made my life; but instead, I still found myself here in this hospital bed, doing nothing but sleep, eat and breathe. I’ve tried my best to make a good one out of it. I read some books, maybe to get my brain working but I failed, because it only made things worse. My brain just became more active - as a result of me being the usual overthinker.
During the afternoon, I sketched. Well that made me feel better. I need to entertain myself, as I always tell my brain to stop it from overthinking. And so I did for a while. Then I slept, actually took a nap, a 30 minute sleep, to be exact. Still, I was bored.
The night came and I decided to talk to some of my friends. I talked to some college friends and to an old friend - a friend of mine during my elementary days. We haven’t had some real, long talk for a long while now, but tonight we are having one, and I’m happy about that. College friends and I talked about their day and how I was bored the whole day and what to do to keep up and things like that. I think they just saved me from boredom for several hours and I’m thankful. I think my sleep would be peaceful tonight because of them. I am hoping for a better tomorrow. Or say, I am hoping to get out of this hospital bed as soon as possible. I am missing my normal life. :)