Life has been knocking me down for as long as I can remember. I feel like I need to restart with life. Little by little, I’m starting to lose the reasons for my living. I want to meet new people; be exposed to a new environment and experience new things. I want to explore. I want to see other things that this life has to offer. I want to be new. I want to be better. I want new responsibilities that would keep me occupied, because as of the moment, I am doing nothing but breathing. I need to find myself again, I guess - travel in a new road: embark in a new journey. I need adventure. I am not a big fan of my life right now. Not that I’m complaining; but it’s just that I think I can do more. Sometimes it just frustrates me when I’m thinking of things to do for the next days and coming up with nothing. A part of me is still stuck in the past; maybe because everything was better back then. I know thay I have to move on with life but it’s not that easy. Every night my thoughts are hunting me. I feel like my life is such a big mess right now. Maybe the wrong is inside me, I’m still not sure. At some point I would get tired of living in the past and stressing about the future. I just want to live today. But right now, everything’s routinary. And I’m getting tired physically, mentally and emotionally. If there’s such a thing as a miracle, please touch my life as soon as possible. I want to be happy again. I want to be able to enjoy life again. Someday, maybe. Someday.
I hope you’re happy with your choices. I’m sorry but I just can’t stand the treatment that I received from you tonight. I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed. I am feeling like a fool. I believed that I am enough for you. Turned out to be, you’re asking for more, for someone who’s not me. There’s nothing wrong with saying that you want more. Nothing. But remember when you said that I am enough? That you would be glad to spend the next years with me? I bet you do! Then why say things like that? To make me feel bad? To show people that I was never enough? This is not how I imagined things would be. All it took was a minor mistake for you to act like that? I can’t believe you. You’re better than this. Well, I thought. I could only do so much. I could only say so much. But sorry, tonight I reached my point. You don’t want to fix it? Fine. I can’t force you to do things that you don’t really like. What’s the purpose. I just hope you like your choices. That you’re happy putting things this way. For making the situation more complicated for us. For making me feel bad when all I needed is happiness.
the sun is about to rise
here I am in a room as cold as ice
trying to put my mind to rest
knowing that earlier I was a mess
am I ready to make it count
or would I always break down and rant
the simplest things that I can’t do
for I am blocked by a wall or two
yes I am making you happy
smile and laugh, feeling all jolly
but what if one day you’d just be hurt
by a guy with nothing to offer but a cold heart
if I would ask you a question
would you like to stay?
Would you answer yes without hesitation
or would you take your chance to walk away?
thank you for your time and attention
the letters and poems, not to mention
for making me smile when I need to
I appreciate you, I really do
can’t promise anything that would last forever
maybe songs that would make you feel better
letters and sketches to please your eye
put you to sleep and sing a lullaby
22nd of November
It’s the first time since the first week of July that I sat and stayed here on my study table. Man, I missed it so much. I opened the drawer a while ago and found some interesting stuff – notebooks, pins, certificated, books and other things that I used to hold when I was still at school. So many things have changed since then. One day changed the course of my life, 17th of July it is when the accident happened.
I remembered how I was having the time of my life during the first part of the year. I had everything that I wanted. I got good grades, friends and I was in full control of my life back then. I decided to try and live a life apart from my family, with their approval of course, so I tried the dorm life and was easily into it. I was never hesitant to try new things in my life. Maybe because all my life I’ve been looking for major changes that might put some more colors into my already colorful life. I had 5 dorm mates back then; all of them, freshmen and I was on my junior year. And so I was respected probably because I they found out what I had to offer. I had great times with them. We sometimes stayed all night talking about ghosts and ancient facts, that’s why we ended up staying all night watching light films to bring back the good vibes and all.
In school, I had no problem at all dealing with everyone. I topped some of my classes without putting too much effort. I. Am. So. Arrogant. I had good times and talks with my friends. I even got the chance to meet with my long time crush on the first week of last term. We even had lunch and I think that was one of the highlights of my 2013. Uh, no kidding. I wrote so many letters and entries about life and all. I could not wish for more. I also had some responsibilities entrusted to me. I was assigned to lead a group that would make a research; was elected as VP for Non-Academic Affairs in our organization and so much more that I felt invincible. I had everything going on my way. I was on the top of my game. I was on the prime of my life, and then the accident happened.
I slipped. I slipped. I slipped. All it took was a simple hit on the ground to put me down. One minute I was on the top, the next minute I was nothing but a fallen one not able to get up and move. I was shocked, more than anything - how everything and everyone felt so slow while I was falling down. All I knew was I was there on the ground, feeling worse than ever. I can’t move. I can’t fucking move. I didn’t cry, there’s no use in crying in front of a crowd shouting at each other, arguing what to do with this kid flat out on the ground. Everything was down for me then. I shouted, and commanded them to do this and that, for they were not sure of what they were saying, so I took over. I tried my best to transfer my whole body to the wooden platform that they prepared. After about 30 minutes on the ground, I was able to make it. They carried me to the clinic. On my way there, all I saw was the roof of the dormitory and eventually the bright sky above me telling everything’s going to be okay, eventually. I managed to kid around when my friends arrived at the clinic to check on me. At that very moment I was a hundred percent sure that I would never see these great people again for a long time so I decided to just keep the situation positive. I can’t break down. Not here, I said to myself. Then suddenly my sister, father and brother arrived. Oh god how I remembered how my father cried while he was on the line talking to me. Dad talked to the school officials and later on, they came up with the decision to ask me where I would like to be brought. Without even thinking, I said bring me to Philippine Orthopedic Center – where I stayed for one and a half months last 2007. And so I was transferred to a school vehicle but was directed first to a hospital nearby to be checked. As expected, they said they couldn’t handle the case, and so we travelled miles to reach the destination. On our way there, I ate a meal from Jollibee and was still trying to keep things light for my family, for my lovely mother was there, too. I don’t want to see her cry. My mind was all set for what was coming – something terrible, life-changing, painful and hell. I closed my eyes and waited. The vehicle stopped and so I opened them and braced myself.
Just a random thought.
Ever since I’ve been a big fan of arts students, for I love arts since I was a kid, I am still a kid actually. Okay, not. I sketch at times; write and create music most of the time. I am a lover of whatever form of art because I’m just amazed by how our thoughts and ideas can be transformed into something that would make minds wonder and at the same time release the pressure inside our head caused by severe thinking and brain overloading.
So I’ve made this decision that if I would ever like someone, I would probably go for an arts student. I can imagine boring and dull days turning to artistic and colorful ones whenever I am with her. I mean, we can create something together, may it be music or whatever, or just do something for each other. I would be more than willing to sketch her, and I think it would be nice to have someone sketch you too, I think it’s one of the best things that someone can do to you without spending too much. Just the idea of being with someone so interesting and so creative that her mind never stops thinking of things that normal people can’t see and imagine is just beyond awesome.
Again, just a random thought. Nothing more. Nothing less.
My whole day was a blur and I want it to stay that way. It started out with my mind playing tricks on me and reminding me of the things that I should be doing - things that could have made my life; but instead, I still found myself here in this hospital bed, doing nothing but sleep, eat and breathe. I’ve tried my best to make a good one out of it. I read some books, maybe to get my brain working but I failed, because it only made things worse. My brain just became more active - as a result of me being the usual overthinker.
During the afternoon, I sketched. Well that made me feel better. I need to entertain myself, as I always tell my brain to stop it from overthinking. And so I did for a while. Then I slept, actually took a nap, a 30 minute sleep, to be exact. Still, I was bored.
The night came and I decided to talk to some of my friends. I talked to some college friends and to an old friend - a friend of mine during my elementary days. We haven’t had some real, long talk for a long while now, but tonight we are having one, and I’m happy about that. College friends and I talked about their day and how I was bored the whole day and what to do to keep up and things like that. I think they just saved me from boredom for several hours and I’m thankful. I think my sleep would be peaceful tonight because of them. I am hoping for a better tomorrow. Or say, I am hoping to get out of this hospital bed as soon as possible. I am missing my normal life. :)
Oh my goodness, I’m just so bored right now I wanna go back to my normal life! Ha! But anyway, I’m almost there so I guess I’ll have to wait more patiently. Life, life, life. Let me entertain myself here. The bloody operation is fast approaching. Oooooh. I need to prepare myself physically, mentally, emotionally, and everything -ally. I know I will survive this. Man of Steel is coming. Ayeaaah.
I’m just so happy right now that I almost cried. Wow, unexpected things are always the best things.
My day started out well, as I’ve said in my earlier post, but went oh-so-crazy during the afternoon. So I decided to just sleep it off and maybe get better after the rest. I woke up and received a text from her and from thereon we were talking all afternoon (we’re still talking, actually). It’s just amazing how one person can text while having classes. She’s a pro. And I’m thankful for her.
As the darkness of the night caved in, the good in life showed off. My mom called, almost crying, and delivered the best news of this week. Everything is set for my operation. Oh God, thank you.
I don’t know what I should write, or if I should write something at this point. I am fucking disappointed with everything that moves, breathes and exists. My head is fucking aching and I’m like flying on the clouds with no direction. My blood pressure is fucking high, and I don’t know why, plus meds won’t work. It’s too early to say but I’m having a bad day. I thought I would have a great one earlier. I woke up 4 in the morning, had breakfast with my brother and slept again. I woke up, feeling high. From thereon, they all contributed to make my head ache pretty bad. I don’t know what to do, or if I should do something. I should stop thinking for a while, maybe for today. Nothing. Fuck.
In times of extreme pain and struggle, she was there. I don’t know why but she stayed with me tho she had all the reasons to go away. I didn’t see her, at first, because I’ve been blinded by myself. I thought about how life made me realize how lucky I am to know her, to be with her, and that I would forever be thankful for her. Just the warmth of her oh-so little voice makes me smile every time I’m down. I like the way she sings. In fact, I think it would be great to have her sing for me everyday, but that’s not fair, so I promised that I would do the same if she would let me. I can’t figure out how we started - how the story started, and how the story would end. But as of the moment, I don’t care. I’m happy with what we are. I would want to discover her more. Find her flaws and accept them, just like when she accepted mine. I want people to know how great of a person she is, and how she should be treated right - for she deserves the best. She’s worth it. She’s worth everything. That’s why I figured out that it would be fine to give my best just to make her smile.
I want to keep her. And I promise that I would.